Gradual Improvement
by C.B. Magique
Summary: [Self-indulgent trash fic] Sometimes Ienzo needs help to make even the most gradual of improvements.


**Apologies in advance for how OOC and self-indulgent I'm being with this story. I have depression issues so I wrote about them in fanfic form, sue me. Or don't since the regret I will feel for this later is surely punishment enough. I even shoehorned my favourite crack pair in there because that at least makes me feel happy.**

 **(I posted this from my phone, so more apologies in advance if the formatting is messed up. I tried really hard to make everything spaced out properly at the very least.)**

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Even sitting up on a chair Ienzo felt the air as thick and hot as a blanket wrapped around him on a summer night. If it was going to be like this why didn't he just stay in bed? He'd never been so acutely aware of the weight if his own body or so dumbly unaware of the passing of time. He looked out the window over his desk. He'd kept such strange hours lately that he couldn't even chance to guess the time by any cues-not the amount of light or the position of the sun. He glanced over at the clock on his desk just long enough to register that it was almost 5 in the afternoon. He hadn't even been awake until 2. Yet even after sleeping so much his eyelids were heavy. His body was heavy and he yearned desperately to just go back to sleep.

He gave the rumpled sheets of his bed a cursoy glance and then looked back down at the date book on his desk. He fiddled with the ribbon marker, fraying it even more. The days were marked with dates and reminders. That was as far as he'd gotten with most of things-writing them down. Many of his appointments had already passed him by. He'd meant to go but never did. Written in bigger writing and often underlined were regular reminders to check on his experiments in the lab. It had to be done regularly at 4 every 5 days. He hadn't done it last week and this time it was already long past 4 but he could still do it, couldn't he? There was nothing actually wrong with him; there was no reason that he couldn't go down to the labs and check on his experiments. But he'd already stuffed up his method, what was the point anymore? He might as well just start over again at some point. Should he do that today? It would be a good idea but no matter how hard he thought about it moving felt like dragging stones across the bottom of a muddy-bottomed lake

For a good 30 minutes all he did was sit and ruminate about his experiments, the lab work he should be doing, the literature he should be reading and analysis he should be calculating. Already well past 5, he finally managed to drag himself to standing. It took a lot longer to get himself dressed in clothes that were halfway decent, decent enough to be seen in around his own home anyway. He ran his fingers over his hair - greasy and tangled after having gone several days without a shower. He combed it out with his fingers as he left, trying to plough through the fog in his mind that was impeding his thoughts of what he would need to restart his experiments. Even was going to be furious-research was pretty expensive. Several scenarios ran through his mind of Even furiously shouting him down or giving him lectures about how disappointed he was by Ienzo's lack of diligence or (worse) just sighing and shaking his head with the airs of a man who was at the end of his rope already, giving up on Ienzo. He wasn't worth it

His hands tingled as he placed them on the balustrade and his throat tightened. He wasn't worth it. If that was all that was waiting for him he may as well not go. Even may get angrier but Ienzo had no way to respond to him. Imagining was punishing enough, experiencing it in reality would be brutal. Yet he forced his feet forward because he had promised himself that he would be resolved. Each step weighed heavy with seemingly enough momentum to pull him off his own feet and send him tumbling down the rest of the stairs, if only he would lean forwards. He considered it-falling. The hurt might be good to make him feel something (anything) else. But he'd already told himself that he had things to do today.

In his daze he'd almost reached the bottom when voices in the air gave him pause. They were talking in hush as if they needed to be mindful, even their footsteps were louder. Ienzo simply listened to them coming and then they appaeared: Kairi and Even walking together from the hallway at the bottom of the stairs, the one that led to - among other places - the basement laboratory

He froze. It felt almost literal. Both feet planted on the floor and his hand on the balustrade tingled numbly and shivered. His heart hammered rapidly against his ribs and his lungs tightened as he suddenly held his breath, hoping they would pass him by without noticing him. He'd been such a disappointment to them both, after all.

To his dismay, they didn't. Kairi was the one who spotted him first. The grand architecture of Radiant Garden's castle charmed her every time, so her eyes tended to wander when she was there. Her gaze wandered up the staircase and settled on him.

"Ienzo?" she uttered. And that got Even to look.

"I see you're finally up," he said. Ienzo was too mortified to read the tone of his voice. He mumbled an apology.

"What was that?" Evan asked. "Speak up!

"I'm sorry," Ienzo repeated, still quietly. "The experiments... I left them too long without checking on them. I'll have to start over.

"That's all you're concerned about?" Evan snapped, shaking his head. "You needn't worry. Kairi has been taking care of those for you.

Ienzo stared at the both of them in shock. "She did?"

"Yeah," Kairi nodded, giving him a sympathetic smile. "Since you're going through such a tough time and all. Even and Aeleus showed me how to do the measurements and record the results. I feel like this is all I can do to help you, since I don't know what I'm supposed to do in times like this."

Ienzo simultaneously wanted to melt from adoration and be swallowed up by the floor in guilt. Taking care of his work shouldn't have been something she had to do. It was his responsibilty. He should have been doing it and he should be redoing it as penace for failing his duty the first time. Yet he couldn't help feeling relieved that she had taken that burden from him, however temporarily.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I should have done that."

"It's okay," Kairi replied, coming up the steps to meet him. He wanted to turn and run away to hide back in his room in shame but spent too long thinking about it and before he realised it Kairi had both of his hands in hers. "We all need a little help sometimes, right?"

"I don't have an excuse."

"You don't need one." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. His oily, unwashed cheek. He was so gross right now, how could she stand him? "I understand. And you're getting better, yeah. You're up and ready to work right now. That's an improvement, right?"

He wanted to smile and cry at the same time. The expression on his face ended up being a pained and painful grimace. Kairi wrapped her arms around him and drew him close, putting his face over her right shoulder

"It's alright, love, it's okay," she cooed in a hush voice. "I'm here for you, whatever you need."

Ienzo hugged her back tighter, taking a deep, shuddering breath and lowering his forehead onto her shoulder. "Thank-you."


End file.
